denise'sjournal ♥,

Sunday, February 28 ♥

l♥ved,

I used to have this best best best friend when I was in primary school through to secondary school. We were sooo close and the best thing was we only lived 10mins walk from each other. We never stop talking to each other and we tell each other almost anything. Actually, she tells me everything (or so I thought) but I didn't. Because she was a judgmental person so I have to watch what I tell her, if not, I won't become this 'perfect' (someone she perceives me to be and not a perfect person) friend for her. Then there are occassions where it was too much to handle and I burst out crying in front of her and started pouring everything. She has this 'thing' that makes me think that my problems are immature and do not require much consoling. Therefore, during my childhood times, I always feel that my problems are not as important. So, we only talked about hers or gossiped about others'. In conclusion, I accepted and lived with the fact that she's a narcissist. I was so 'into' her that whenever she told me she hated a certain person, I would follow suit loyally. PSLE came and we went on our separate ways, she went to a better school and I went to a school with green uniform. She said, we all (all people in Hong Kah Secondary School) look like cleaners. Surprisingly, I wasn't even angry because I was so trained to agree with her. In secondary school, I made another bunch of great friends. These group listened to me and empathize me whenever I have to go for band practices (which I hate deeply), had bad break up (u know girls n boys won't know a thing about love when they are 13 or 14) and some girls who bullies me just b'c they think that one of the girls' ex was after me. Then I thought to myself 'why should I let this BESTEST friend of mine walk all over me?' (considering the no. of times she cancel our outings to go out with her 'cooler' bunch of secondary school friends (yes! those were her actual words)). We went out on and off and before prelims, I just stopped talking to her cold turkey. Because she just cannot contain her joy of doing so well in front of me (didn't do so well)... I was so pissed at her insensitivity. Anyway, years after, I met her dad on the bus. He said that we should continue being friends cos.. (i can't really remember). Then, I really cannot be bothered. Because I know she hadn't changed because she bad-mouths my cousin (who was her JC classmate) to me when we met somewhere. Now, whenever I think of what she was, I STILL feel angry and disgusted. :s... Have I not grown at all? Part of me is curious how she's doing now.. I'm not sure why I secretly hope that she's still the same narcissist years ago. :s... I think I just want to be 'right'. There you go, a hatred buried for about 10 years, and I am still working on letting go. I hope one day I can say to her 'I wish you all the best'... Ok, thinking about that reminded me how she talked about my cousin.